We Peanuts believe in telling others what is going on in the world, our world and theirs. To that end, we might be doing some reviews of other places, getting outside our own little peanutish world soon. It is possible that we will be allowing others to read what we write, however scary that might be to us. The Peanuts are a proud people. We do not allow others in lightly.

Sometimes, we might be called upon to help others see the light with our words of Peanut wisdom. We know that it will be hard for those others to keep away once that happens. We expect it to be very busy then. For now, we are still in our little corner of the world but soon things will be different. You watch!

These are hilarious. My personal favorite has to be the sign on the town
hall although the quicksand one is pretty funny too. Enjoy!

Actual Signs Seen In England

Sign in a Laundromat:

AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE
LIGHT GOES OUT.

Sign in a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS.

In an office:

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK
OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.

Outside a farm:

HORSE MANURE 50p PER PRE-PACKED BAG 20p DO-IT-YOURSELF.

In an office:

AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON
THE DRAINING BOARD.

On a church door:

THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR. (THIS DOOR IS
KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)

Outside a secondhand shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING
YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of
Wales:

THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING. IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING
OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW.

Outside a photographer’s studio:

OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO.

Seen at the side of a Sussex road:

SLOW CATTLE CROSSING. NO OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS.

Outside a disco:

SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME.

Sign warning of quicksand:

QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF
THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.

Notice sent to residents of a Whiltshire parish:

DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LITTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK
ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP
THEM IN ORDER.

Notice in a dry cleaner’s window:

ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE
DISPOSED OF.

Sign on motorway garage:

PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH
MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS.

Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS.

Spotted in a safari park:

ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.

Seen during a conference:

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN’T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON
THE FIRST FLOOR.

Notice in a field:

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL
CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:

IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.

Sign on a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL
DOESN’T WORK)

Sign at Norfolk farm gate:

BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT.

Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.

A few years ago I saw a comedian that was just as poker faced as they
come. His jokes were funny simply because he never cracked a smile and
looked like he was serious. The delivery was deadpan and monitone. Here
are a few of those jokes:

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don’t get it.

Don’t you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up
all night.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in
the same room and let them fight it out.

I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included.

Support bacteria - they’re the only culture some people have.

I bought some instant water one time but I didn’t know what to add to it.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.

I got a chain letter by fax. It’s very simple. You just fax a dollar
bill to everybody on the list.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

I got this powdered water - now I don’t know what to add.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the
prescription ran out.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

"Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes."

Today is a brand new day for the Peanut Gallery. Things are getting geared up here for this new year! We are so peanutishly here that it’s becoming somewhat tense even for a Peanut. We did decide to have a new look which you are….well, looking at right now. Do you like it? We Peanuts did try another one but it is going on a brand new blog that the Peanuts decided I needed all by myself. So I won’t be in a crowd of peanuts like the gallery is. Now, I should tell you that I am the only one that talks in this gallery but they have influence.

You just never know when a peanut is going to come up with something that simply must be said here. Know what I mean? They are all very talkative but they won’t tell YOU, just bug me to talk about it on here. One of these days, I will have my own blog and they aren’t going to tell me what to do??? (the Total Peanut turns to the crowd and says as loudly as possible. “DID YOU PEANUTS GET THAT??? I will have my own blog and you don’t get to say ANYTHING!!! There is a large gasp from the crowd of peanuts. Some have started to cry. Others are getting angry at the Total Peanut but all have decided to keep their peanutty mouths shut for now. It is likely that they will get back at TP later when no one is looking.)

So, for now, I am the Total Peanut but am quite stifled in what I can say about peanuts. Harrumph. So long! See ya next time.

Okay, this one is so stupid and ridiculous, it actually does not bear repeating….but I will anyway. This is to show exactly how asinine some people can get.

There was this guy in Cedar Rapids, Iowa, who was somewhat drunk. He was in a place called The Lumberyard II when he wanted dances with a girl…lap dances. He tried to have them without paying. See, the lap dances are $25 each. Sort of steep, isn’t it? Oh heck, how would I know. In my MUCH younger years, I had a husband who liked watching such things and I ended up with him on one or two of those jaunts. As you can tell, he is a EX-husband for many reasons including that one.

So, anyway the guy steals 8 lap dances. They tell him to pay. NO WAY! The police come and arrest this guy for….fifth-degree theft and public intoxication. Oh brother.

You probably already saw this on the news today but it begs to be
mentioned again. One more time with feeling, right?

In Milan, Italy, the airport was being overrun with….rabbits! So, the
local constabulary and volunteers were seen running hither and thither
after the rampant bunnies. Blowing whistles, waving frantically and
making noises loud enough to scare the rest of us away, about 200
volunteers chased after the spooked hares. Seems this is sort of an
annual event at the airport. Thing is, the scamper after Peter
Cottontail is necesary since the population is getting out of hand and
could pose a danger to the planes and passengers. So, the bunnies have
to go.

Hey, it’s the Total Peanut and I am back….once in a while, that is.
It’s been a busy time. I have other blogs. This particular story is
scary to the max! Worse, it’s sort of close to home.

Okay, I have to admit that I would never, in my entire life, choose to
ride an amusement ride of a dangerous nature. So, I am not surprised
that someone finally had a real problem with one. The place is Hot
Springs, Arkansas (my current state residence–not the city). The event
is at the Magic Springs amusement park. More specifically on the roller
coaster at the top of the loop. That is where about a dozen riders found
themselves when the lights went out. Literally. The ride stopped dead
because of a lack of electricity.

The top of the loop is about 150 ft. in the air. Now, that would be
quite a sight. I just don’t think those folks were too interested in
seeing the sights at that point though. The X-Coaster, I am sure, is a
thrill ride. I have seen it. But to be stuck on top of the loop, hanging
upside down….I don’t think so. It took a fire department ladder truck
working for about a half hour to get the riders down from that position.
Only two people had a problem. One person threw up. Wonder why. The
other was transported to the hospital complaining about neck pain and an
headache. Wonder why.

Authorities are investigating why the electrical outage occurred. For
now, it is not believed to be the fault of the amusement park.

More Steven Wright. Yep, he is a nut but still funny or weird, not sure
which. Maybe both.

——————————-

I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I’m home now. But leave
a message and I’ll call when I’m out.

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel
over what I considered to be an odd number.

I got a dog and named him ‘Stay’. Now, I go ‘Come here, Stay!’ After a
while, the dog went insane and wouldn’t move at all.

I lost a button hole.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room
temperature.

I was an only child, eventually.

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the
neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my
yard or I’ll throw it at them.

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I’ve
forgotten this before.

Sponges grow in the ocean . That kills me. I wonder how much deeper the
oceans would be if that didn’t happen.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere
near the place.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any
firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

I planted some bird seed. A bird grew. Now I don’t know what to feed it.

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me
it was none of my business.

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a
kaleidoscope. "We’re surrounded."

I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I
said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship
that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights,
does anything happen?" He said, "I don’t know." I said, "I don’t want
your job."

My school colors were clear. I’m not naked, I’m in the band.

I wrote a song, but I can’t read music so I don’t know what it is. Every
once in a while I’ll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I
might have written that."

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if
they can help me, and I say,’ Have you got anything I’d like?’ Then they
ask me what size I need, and I say, ‘Extra medium.’

I was Caesarian born…can’t tell…except every time I leave a room, I
go out through the window.

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn’t going to be
on the road an hour.

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the
shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren’t
included.

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking
spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I’m leaving.

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a
potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white
cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes".

I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I’m good,
she’ll give me the other one next year.

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone.
They went "Aaaaahhhh…"

You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the
mail, and then you remember it really is? I’m like that all the time.

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

The sky already fell. Now what?

If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think
you’re Shakespeare?

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten
minutes.

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology
experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that’s part of
the experiment?

The sky is falling…no, I’m tipping over backwards.

When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four and a
box of three-by-fives.

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it
back.

I am always on the lookout for the funny things. They are precious and
senseless therefore I am showing them to you! I do not believe we laugh
enough! It’s time for some jocularity (thanks, Father Mulcahy from
Mash!).

================================================

Ways to say someone is…not completely with us. Someone else would say
stupid but I am certainly more polite than that!

The cheese slid off his cracker.

Receiver is off the hook.

His antenna doesn’t pick up all the channels.

Missing a few buttons on his remote control.

and my personal favorite:

He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

———-

Now for some fun quotes:

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the
stupidity of your actions.

Logic is the systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with
confidence.

It’s better to be on the ground wishing you were flying than to be
flying wishing you were on the ground.

Judgement comes from experience, experience comes from poor judgement.

A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20
years make.

again my personal favorite:

All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door.

I could not resist some more church funnies.

====================================

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of
the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.

The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies
will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the
new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will
come forward and do so.

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at
Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch
all the way from Africa.

Due to the Rector’s illness, Wednesday’s healing services will be
discontinued until further notice.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a
conflict.

The sermon this morning: "Jesus walks on the water". The sermon tonight:
"Searching for Jesus".

The associate minister unveiled the church’s new giving campaign slogan
last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge–Up Yours."

8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several
new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks
are due to the minister’s daughter, who labored the whole evening at the
piano, which as usual fell upon her.

Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.