These are hilarious. My personal favorite has to be the sign on the town
hall although the quicksand one is pretty funny too. Enjoy!

Actual Signs Seen In England

Sign in a Laundromat:

AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE
LIGHT GOES OUT.

Sign in a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS.

In an office:

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK
OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.

Outside a farm:

HORSE MANURE 50p PER PRE-PACKED BAG 20p DO-IT-YOURSELF.

In an office:

AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON
THE DRAINING BOARD.

On a church door:

THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR. (THIS DOOR IS
KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)

Outside a secondhand shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING
YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of
Wales:

THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING. IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING
OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW.

Outside a photographer’s studio:

OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO.

Seen at the side of a Sussex road:

SLOW CATTLE CROSSING. NO OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS.

Outside a disco:

SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME.

Sign warning of quicksand:

QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF
THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.

Notice sent to residents of a Whiltshire parish:

DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LITTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK
ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP
THEM IN ORDER.

Notice in a dry cleaner’s window:

ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE
DISPOSED OF.

Sign on motorway garage:

PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH
MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS.

Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS.

Spotted in a safari park:

ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.

Seen during a conference:

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN’T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON
THE FIRST FLOOR.

Notice in a field:

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL
CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:

IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.

Sign on a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL
DOESN’T WORK)

Sign at Norfolk farm gate:

BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT.

Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.

You probably already saw this on the news today but it begs to be
mentioned again. One more time with feeling, right?

In Milan, Italy, the airport was being overrun with….rabbits! So, the
local constabulary and volunteers were seen running hither and thither
after the rampant bunnies. Blowing whistles, waving frantically and
making noises loud enough to scare the rest of us away, about 200
volunteers chased after the spooked hares. Seems this is sort of an
annual event at the airport. Thing is, the scamper after Peter
Cottontail is necesary since the population is getting out of hand and
could pose a danger to the planes and passengers. So, the bunnies have
to go.

Hey, it’s the Total Peanut and I am back….once in a while, that is.
It’s been a busy time. I have other blogs. This particular story is
scary to the max! Worse, it’s sort of close to home.

Okay, I have to admit that I would never, in my entire life, choose to
ride an amusement ride of a dangerous nature. So, I am not surprised
that someone finally had a real problem with one. The place is Hot
Springs, Arkansas (my current state residence–not the city). The event
is at the Magic Springs amusement park. More specifically on the roller
coaster at the top of the loop. That is where about a dozen riders found
themselves when the lights went out. Literally. The ride stopped dead
because of a lack of electricity.

The top of the loop is about 150 ft. in the air. Now, that would be
quite a sight. I just don’t think those folks were too interested in
seeing the sights at that point though. The X-Coaster, I am sure, is a
thrill ride. I have seen it. But to be stuck on top of the loop, hanging
upside down….I don’t think so. It took a fire department ladder truck
working for about a half hour to get the riders down from that position.
Only two people had a problem. One person threw up. Wonder why. The
other was transported to the hospital complaining about neck pain and an
headache. Wonder why.

Authorities are investigating why the electrical outage occurred. For
now, it is not believed to be the fault of the amusement park.

Hey, there is this guy who doesn’t like his name, apparently. Wants to
change it legally. Okay, I have no problem with that. Some parents are
truly cruel with naming kids. But this guy was an orphan. However,
someone named him and he wants a different one. So, go for it, right? Uh
well, sure. He wants to change his name to Ynot Bubba. Sounds sort of
like Bubba Gump Shrimp? No? All right. It was a stretch, I know. Here’s
the story:

Y
Not

LAS CRUCES, N.M. (AP) - Justin Brady’s friends call him Bubba, so he
figured why not ask a judge to change it legally. He wants to be known
as Ynot Bubba. "It’s just a name," Brady, 43, said in a telephone
interview from Alabama, where he was on the road.

"I want my name to (be) … not just something common," said Brady,
who lives in Las Cruces but spends most of his time trucking the
highways.

Brady said he was given up for adoption as a baby and lived in an
orphanage until he was 14, when he was taken in by a couple who divorced
two years later. Now, he said, his foster father wants nothing to do
with him "and I basically want nothing to do with his name."

His chosen first name, Ynot, comes from communities around the
country named Wynot and Whynot.

His choice of last name comes from people he now considers family who
nicknamed him Bubba eight years ago for no particular reason.

I imagine that the police who responded to this particular crash got
more than they expected. One car had that small zoo. Almost all of the
animals were still caged. However, a particularly large toad had to be
put back into it’s box, according to a spokesperson for the Torrance
police. Then he had something incredibly interesting to say……

"The officer described it as a huge toad," he said.

Okie dokie. That about does it for the police spokesman.

The teacher in the accident was in good condition at the hospital.

Small Zoo, Teacher In Collision

GREENBURGH, N.Y. - Police sent to investigate a traffic accident
found more than they expected — a small zoo.

A kindergarten teacher known as the "Critter Lady" and her menagerie
— including a boa constrictor, turtles, frogs, small mammals and a
monster toad — were shaken up in a two-car collision while en route to a
wildlife lecture in New York City.

Deborah Mumford, who collects and cares for abandoned and stray pets
of various kinds, was listed in good condition at a hospital on Sunday,
a nursing supervisor said.

Twilight Zone: Stinky neighbors. In Torrance, Calif., the problem is
that there is a housing boom. That shouldn’t be a problem, of course,
but it is to the ever increasingly visible skunk population who are,
apparently, getting shoved out of their homes with all the building.
There was even one that hitched a ride in a rubble hose all the way to
Canada. They named her Dorothy. Think she ever found her ruby slippers?

Twilight Zone: Dorothy Stinks..So Say The Neighbors

TORRANCE, Calif. - Residents in this southern California city are
finding out that development stinks.

That’s because as more houses go up, more skunks come out. The city
has seen 1,398 housing units built in the past six years, and with it
came an increase in the black-and-white smelly creatures.

"We’re seeing more of them because their habitat is being destroyed,"
said Jeff Rudolph, El Segundo’s animal control officer.

Now this one is strange. A very energetic moose, who was being
tranquilized at the time, instead of lying down and taking it, chose to
attack the helicopter that was hovering just above. I guess the score is
MOOSE-1 HELICOPTER-0. The moose damaged the rotor causing it to be
grounded. In the process, the moose was injured and had to be put down.

Probably the most ridiculous comment I have heard in a while came from
the regional supervisor for the Division of Wildlife Conservation. He
said:

"As the animal got closer and closer to going down, an animal sort of
loses its thinking — its ability to rationalize what’s in its best
interest," Larsen said.

Now is it just me or is there a problem with that? Have you ever known
an animal to rationalize? If I am not mistaken, I believe that humans
are the only species that can rationalize anything. This is an animal, a
WILD animal. How on earth is it going to rationally think of what to do.
The phrase "deer in the headlights" comes to mind. While I’ve seen a few
people look like that, I have also seen it in deer and other animals.
Not unusual. What is unusual is some guy, who should know better,
stating that an animal has lost what he never had in the first place.
DUH!!

Moose Tangles With Helicopter

ANCHORAGE, Alaska - A helicopter is not necessarily a match for an
angry moose. Instead of lying down after being shot with a tranquilizer
dart, a moose charged a hovering helicopter used by a wildlife
biologist, damaging the aircraft’s tail rotor and forcing it to the
ground.

Neither the pilot nor the biologist was injured, but the moose was
maimed by the spinning rotor and had to be euthanized, wildlife
officials said.

"It just had to be one of those quirky circumstance. Even dealing
with bears and goats and moose and wolves, this is pretty unusual and
truly a very unique situation," said Doug Larsen, regional supervisor
for the Division of Wildlife Conservation.

This one is a hoot. I just could not pass it up. It is said that a
picture is worth a thousand words. This is easily worth all of that.
Enjoy.

The Portable Pub

We’ve all heard of Port-a-Potties, but what about Port-a-Pubs? Billed
as “the world’s first inflatable pub”, this pub in a box holds up to 50
guests (or 200 college students), fits in the back of a van, and
assembles in under an hour.

Why add an extension to your house when you can buy a portable pub
that travels with you? All pub-like features are painted directly onto
the PVC walls (now anti-fungal and flame retardant!), so there’s no need
to worry about unruly guests breaking paintings or windows … although
you may want to watch out for guests trying to carve their names on the
“wood” beams.

With all the needs of the folks who have various diseases, pains, aches
and other such things, you would think that scientists would be all out
trying to cure something important. Well, they are. They now have a nice
drug to give Fido so that when the scientist is dropping him off at
doggy school, he won’t share his morning cookies too soon and the FDA
approves it.

Okay, that’s a reach. But I am willing to bet that the drug is due to
some scientist somewhere who is tired of going on vacation with the
family mutt that gets car sick every single time. Most dogs love the
car. Almost every one I have ever known loves them. But there are some
out there that get nervous tummies. You can just about figure out which
ones, right? Poodle, chihuahua. Those are two that I have had personal
experience with.

Still, you gotta believe that these guys really do have better things to
do than this sort of stuff, right? Well, maybe not. New out on the
market is Cerenia for carsick pets. How nice. Cured cancer lately? How
about AIDS? Diabetes? Nope. Just carsick poochies. What a world.

Dog
Tails: New Drug So Fido Won’t Barf In The Car

WASHINGTON — Most dogs are as happy as can be when riding in the
car.

But if it makes your four-legged friend woozy, help is on the way.

The Food and Drug Administration is approving the first drug to keep
dogs from vomiting when they get motion sickness.

One calorie, two calories…..nine thousand and two calories, nine
thousand and three calories. I really do not think that it would be a
good idea to go to this place to eat if the type of burgers they serve
are like this. There’s this place in Clearfield, Pa., that has the
biggest burger this side of….well, probably anywhere. The thing weighs
in at about 123 lbs. Get a load of what’s on the thing. An 80 lb. beef
patty starts the show, followed by 12 tomatoes, up to five onions, a
pound each of lettuce, mustard, mayo, ketchup, relish and 150 slices of
good ol’ cheese. We cannot forget the cheese. Cram in a couple of pounds
of banana peppers and 33 pickles. Coverd by a 30 pound bun. Okie dokie
here. Should take about 6, maybe 7 years to eat this monster. Hefty
price tag too. $379. Wow! Who eats this thing?????

And the owner of this establishment has stated that if you were worried
about calories, and who wouldn’t with this extra-mongous burger, you
should stay home and eat Kellogg’s. Yeah, my mind is strictly on cereal
now. Right!! Duh!

Calorie counters not wanted at Monster Burger Unveiling

CLEARFIELD, Pa. (AP) — The newest addition to the menu at Denny’s
Beer Barrel Pub is one whopper of a burger. The Beer Barrel Main Event
Charity Burger weighs in at 123 pounds, a meaty monstrosity that its
cooks maintain shatters the world record of 105 pounds shared by two
restaurants in New Jersey and Thailand.

The sizable sandwich features an 80-pound beef patty, along with a
pound each of lettuce, ketchup, relish, mustard and mayonnaise, 160
slices of cheese, up to five onions and 12 tomatoes. It’s topped with a
couple of pounds of banana peppers, then sandwiched into a 30-pound bun.
Don’t forget the garnish of 33 pickles.

There’s a pretty hefty price tag, too: $379.

That’s enough for me. I’m not a true fan of MickeyD but…this is
ridiculous even for me. Nope, guess I will mosey on over to the health
food store and stock up on the soy stuff. Uh, YUK! Okay, not true. One
small burger step for humans, one giant BURGER leap for the Jolly Green
Guy.