There were a few leftover Steven Wright jokes from the other posts. Here
are a couple more:

I live on a one-way street that’s also a dead end. I’m not sure how I
got there.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

If you can’t hear me, it’s because I’m in parentheses.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like
I’m the only one moving.

My neighbor has a circular driveway… he can’t get out.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It’s in the apartment
somewhere.

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and
sang Happy Birthday.

It’s a small world but I wouldn’t want to paint it.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don’t have that much
time.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

These are quotes from names you might just recognise yet…they do say
the darndest things. I call this the DUH! department…..well, you can
see for yourself!

==============================

"Not only is he ambidextrous, but he can throw with either hand." -
Duffy Daugherty , football coach and sports analyst.

"We’ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" -
Lee Iacocca

"If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life." -
Brooke Shields

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we
received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply
if there is a change in your circumstances." - Department of Social
Services, Greenville, South Carolina (Now that’s cold)

"I don’t want to join the kind of a club that accepts people like me as
members." - Groucho Marx

"We apologize for the error in last week’s paper in which we stated that
Mr. Arnold Dogbody was a defective in the police force. We meant, of
course, that Mr. Dogbody is a detective in the police farce." -
Correction Notice in the Ely Standard, a British newspaper

"Traditionally, most of Australia’s imports come from overseas." -
Keppel Enderbery

"What a waste it is to lose one’s mind. Or not to have a mind is being
very wasteful. How true that is." - Dan Quayle

"We’re going to turn this team around 360 degrees." - Jason Kidd

"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night." - Steve Martin

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." - Dan Quayle

"We are sorry to announce that Mr Albert Brown has been quite unwell,
owing to his recent death, and is taking a short holiday to recover." -
Parish Magazine

"Hawaii is a unique state. It is a small state. It is a state that is by
itself. It is a-it is different from the other 49 states. Well, all
states are different, but it’s got a particularly unique situation." -
Dan Quayle

"We are not without accomplishment. We have managed to distribute
poverty equally." - Nguyen Co Thatch, Vietnamese foreign minister

"Fiction writing is great. You can make up almost anything." - Ivana
Trump, upon finishing her first novel

"I’ve read about foreign policy and studied-I know the number of
continents." - George Wallace, 1968 presidential campaign

"The road of good intentions is paved with Hell." - Spencer Ante

"A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on." - Samual
Goldwyn

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as
they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And
the next morning, when they wake up dead, there’ll be a record." - Mark
S. Fowler, FCC Chairman (that makes me feel safer!)

"Antidotes are what you take to prevent dotes." - Anon

and I just cannot resist:

"I have opinions of my own-strong opinions-but I don’t always agree with
them." - George Bush, US President

I found more quotes from celebs. Some are funny. Others are just good
advice…..I think. Uh, maybe not.

—————————————-

Be nice to your children, for they will choose your rest home. -Phyllis
Diller

Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance? -Phyllis Diller

By the time you’re eighty years old you’ve learned everything. You only
have to remember it. -George Burns

Be sure to wear a good cologne, a nice aftershave lotion, and a strong
underarm deodorant. And it might be a good idea to wear some clothes,
too. -George Burns

If you can’t convince them, confuse them. -Harry S Truman

If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten. -George Carlin

If you can’t be kind, at least be vague. -Judith Manners

It is useless to hold a person to anything he says while he’s in love,
drunk, or running for office. -Shirley MacLain

No problem is so large it cannot be run away from. -Charles M. Schultz,
Peanuts comic strip

Only time can heal your broken heart, just as only time can heal his
broken arms and legs. -Miss Piggy

The future will be better tomorrow. -Dan Quayle

Never attribute to malice what can adequately be explained by
stupidity.-Nick Diamos

Never purchase beauty products in a hardware store. -Miss Piggy

And a couple more leftover stupid quotes:

"The internet is a great way to get on the net" -Bob Dole

"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same
reactions in the brain as marijuana… The researchers also discovered
other similarities between the two, but can’t remember what they
are."-Matt Lauer

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates
in the country."-Mayor Marion Barry, Washington DC

I am going to say absolutely nothing else.

=============================

Tech Support: "OK Bob, let’s press the control and escape keys at the
same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now
type the letter ‘P’ to bring up the Program Manager."

Customer: "I don’t have a ‘P’.

"Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."

Customer: "What do you mean?"

Tech Support: "’P’ on your keyboard, Bob."

Customer: "I’m not going to do that!"

—–

A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The
tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman
responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that’s a good point.
The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is
working fine."

——

Customer in computer shop: "I’d like a mouse mat, please."

Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we’ve got a large variety."

Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"

——

Customer: "My computer crashed!"

Tech Support: "It crashed?"

Customer: "Yeah, it won’t let me play my game."

Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."

Customer: "No, it didn’t crash - it crashed."

Tech Support: "Huh?"

Customer: "I crashed my game. That’s what I said before. I crashed my
spaceship and now it doesn’t work."

Tech Support: "Click on ‘File,’ then ‘New Game.’"

Customer: [pause] "Wow! How’d you learn how to do that?"

——-

Email from a friend: "CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?

——

Tech Support: "All right…now double-click on the File Manager icon."

Customer: "That’s why I hate this Windows - because of the icons - I’m a
Protestant, and I don’t believe in icons."

Tech Support: "Well, that’s just an industry term sir. I don’t believe
it was meant to-"

Customer: "I don’t care about any ‘Industry Terms’. I don’t believe in
icons."

Tech Support: "Well…why don’t you click on the ‘little picture’ of
filing cabinet . . . is ‘little picture’ OK?"

Customer: [click]

A few years ago I saw a comedian that was just as poker faced as they
come. His jokes were funny simply because he never cracked a smile and
looked like he was serious. The delivery was deadpan and monitone. Here
are a few of those jokes:

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don’t get it.

Don’t you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up
all night.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in
the same room and let them fight it out.

I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included.

Support bacteria - they’re the only culture some people have.

I bought some instant water one time but I didn’t know what to add to it.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.

I got a chain letter by fax. It’s very simple. You just fax a dollar
bill to everybody on the list.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

I got this powdered water - now I don’t know what to add.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the
prescription ran out.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

"Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes."

More Steven Wright. Yep, he is a nut but still funny or weird, not sure
which. Maybe both.

——————————-

I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I’m home now. But leave
a message and I’ll call when I’m out.

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel
over what I considered to be an odd number.

I got a dog and named him ‘Stay’. Now, I go ‘Come here, Stay!’ After a
while, the dog went insane and wouldn’t move at all.

I lost a button hole.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room
temperature.

I was an only child, eventually.

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the
neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my
yard or I’ll throw it at them.

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I’ve
forgotten this before.

Sponges grow in the ocean . That kills me. I wonder how much deeper the
oceans would be if that didn’t happen.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere
near the place.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any
firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

I planted some bird seed. A bird grew. Now I don’t know what to feed it.

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me
it was none of my business.

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a
kaleidoscope. "We’re surrounded."

I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I
said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship
that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights,
does anything happen?" He said, "I don’t know." I said, "I don’t want
your job."

My school colors were clear. I’m not naked, I’m in the band.

I wrote a song, but I can’t read music so I don’t know what it is. Every
once in a while I’ll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I
might have written that."

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if
they can help me, and I say,’ Have you got anything I’d like?’ Then they
ask me what size I need, and I say, ‘Extra medium.’

I was Caesarian born…can’t tell…except every time I leave a room, I
go out through the window.

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn’t going to be
on the road an hour.

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the
shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren’t
included.

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking
spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I’m leaving.

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a
potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white
cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes".

I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I’m good,
she’ll give me the other one next year.

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone.
They went "Aaaaahhhh…"

You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the
mail, and then you remember it really is? I’m like that all the time.

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

The sky already fell. Now what?

If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think
you’re Shakespeare?

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten
minutes.

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology
experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that’s part of
the experiment?

The sky is falling…no, I’m tipping over backwards.

When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four and a
box of three-by-fives.

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it
back.

I am always on the lookout for the funny things. They are precious and
senseless therefore I am showing them to you! I do not believe we laugh
enough! It’s time for some jocularity (thanks, Father Mulcahy from
Mash!).

================================================

Ways to say someone is…not completely with us. Someone else would say
stupid but I am certainly more polite than that!

The cheese slid off his cracker.

Receiver is off the hook.

His antenna doesn’t pick up all the channels.

Missing a few buttons on his remote control.

and my personal favorite:

He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

———-

Now for some fun quotes:

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the
stupidity of your actions.

Logic is the systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with
confidence.

It’s better to be on the ground wishing you were flying than to be
flying wishing you were on the ground.

Judgement comes from experience, experience comes from poor judgement.

A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20
years make.

again my personal favorite:

All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door.