The gallery of peanuts looks at me like I know all those things that must be known. I do not know all things. They insist that I post things that they want me to talk about. Like……creamy or chunky peanut butter….who likes all that??? Obviously people do or they would not buy it. It is NOT MY FAULT if people buy peanut butter, is it? I did not make the rules.

Some day soon, I will have my own blog and then they cannot bug me to write things I do not want to explore. HA!!! Some day.

I am going to say absolutely nothing else.

=============================

Tech Support: "OK Bob, let’s press the control and escape keys at the
same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now
type the letter ‘P’ to bring up the Program Manager."

Customer: "I don’t have a ‘P’.

"Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."

Customer: "What do you mean?"

Tech Support: "’P’ on your keyboard, Bob."

Customer: "I’m not going to do that!"

—–

A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The
tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman
responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that’s a good point.
The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is
working fine."

——

Customer in computer shop: "I’d like a mouse mat, please."

Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we’ve got a large variety."

Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"

——

Customer: "My computer crashed!"

Tech Support: "It crashed?"

Customer: "Yeah, it won’t let me play my game."

Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."

Customer: "No, it didn’t crash - it crashed."

Tech Support: "Huh?"

Customer: "I crashed my game. That’s what I said before. I crashed my
spaceship and now it doesn’t work."

Tech Support: "Click on ‘File,’ then ‘New Game.’"

Customer: [pause] "Wow! How’d you learn how to do that?"

——-

Email from a friend: "CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?

——

Tech Support: "All right…now double-click on the File Manager icon."

Customer: "That’s why I hate this Windows - because of the icons - I’m a
Protestant, and I don’t believe in icons."

Tech Support: "Well, that’s just an industry term sir. I don’t believe
it was meant to-"

Customer: "I don’t care about any ‘Industry Terms’. I don’t believe in
icons."

Tech Support: "Well…why don’t you click on the ‘little picture’ of
filing cabinet . . . is ‘little picture’ OK?"

Customer: [click]

Being a Total Peanut is not easy. My relatives are always trying to tell me what to say and do. Do you have relatives like that? Well, probably not like mine. Mine are peanuts who sit in a gallery all day long waiting for something to happen so they can nag me to tell about it. Beyond that, they tell me to watch out so that I do not end up as a peanut butter sandwich but that’s another story. My biggest problem is that they will not allow me to say what I want, not even here. Nag, nag, nag. It’s enough to make me get my own place to talk. Then what will they do? Hummm?

One of these days, I am going to go out on my own and they will regret it because I AM the spokesperson for the bunch. Have you ever in your life seen such a sorry bunch of peanuts in that gallery?? Sigh.

In the meanwhile, I did have something to say. As long as you aren’t wanting things like peanut butter and peanut crunch, we can talk a while. People are nuts! Well, not peanuts of course, actual people. Human beens…beings, whatever they are. They are always wanting more than they have. Unbelievable. Who needs more than a safe place to park a peanut tail bone? Who ever heard of a “tail bone” anyway. Makes no sense to me. Guess I didn’t have much to talk abou after all.

This is The Total Peanut telling you that it is a Peanutish Day today. Okay, that about covers it.

What am I going to crunch on now? I don’t want to talk about sad stuff so nothing about the hurricane. You can find out about that on the news. Want to know what you get when you search for happy stuff? Insurance. Bah! There was a games page that came up. Dunno much about that one. What I’m really looking for is something to laugh about.

Okay, I got it! You cannot go to this, look at it for a few seconds and not laugh! Uh, sure, some sourpuss could but I can’t do it. How about you?

The Insanity Test

Did it make you laugh? Hmmm. All right. I can try again.

The Kitty Cat Song

Can I count on your laughter now? My goodness, you are hard to please, aren’t you. Let’s see. One more but I cannot promise that this one will do it. Not really. It’s only a little ditty.

The Banana Phone

(Just because it runs through my mind all day long doesn’t mean it will run through everyone else’s. *grumble, grumble* It’s obvious that I need some new material.)

This is The Total Peanut saying Have a Peanutish Day!

We Peanuts believe in telling others what is going on in the world, our world and theirs. To that end, we might be doing some reviews of other places, getting outside our own little peanutish world soon. It is possible that we will be allowing others to read what we write, however scary that might be to us. The Peanuts are a proud people. We do not allow others in lightly.

Sometimes, we might be called upon to help others see the light with our words of Peanut wisdom. We know that it will be hard for those others to keep away once that happens. We expect it to be very busy then. For now, we are still in our little corner of the world but soon things will be different. You watch!

These are hilarious. My personal favorite has to be the sign on the town
hall although the quicksand one is pretty funny too. Enjoy!

Actual Signs Seen In England

Sign in a Laundromat:

AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE
LIGHT GOES OUT.

Sign in a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS.

In an office:

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK
OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.

Outside a farm:

HORSE MANURE 50p PER PRE-PACKED BAG 20p DO-IT-YOURSELF.

In an office:

AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON
THE DRAINING BOARD.

On a church door:

THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR. (THIS DOOR IS
KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)

Outside a secondhand shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING
YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of
Wales:

THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING. IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING
OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW.

Outside a photographer’s studio:

OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO.

Seen at the side of a Sussex road:

SLOW CATTLE CROSSING. NO OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS.

Outside a disco:

SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME.

Sign warning of quicksand:

QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF
THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.

Notice sent to residents of a Whiltshire parish:

DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LITTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK
ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP
THEM IN ORDER.

Notice in a dry cleaner’s window:

ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE
DISPOSED OF.

Sign on motorway garage:

PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH
MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS.

Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS.

Spotted in a safari park:

ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.

Seen during a conference:

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN’T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON
THE FIRST FLOOR.

Notice in a field:

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL
CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:

IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.

Sign on a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL
DOESN’T WORK)

Sign at Norfolk farm gate:

BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT.

Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.

A few years ago I saw a comedian that was just as poker faced as they
come. His jokes were funny simply because he never cracked a smile and
looked like he was serious. The delivery was deadpan and monitone. Here
are a few of those jokes:

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don’t get it.

Don’t you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up
all night.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in
the same room and let them fight it out.

I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included.

Support bacteria - they’re the only culture some people have.

I bought some instant water one time but I didn’t know what to add to it.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.

I got a chain letter by fax. It’s very simple. You just fax a dollar
bill to everybody on the list.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

I got this powdered water - now I don’t know what to add.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the
prescription ran out.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

"Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes."

Today is a brand new day for the Peanut Gallery. Things are getting geared up here for this new year! We are so peanutishly here that it’s becoming somewhat tense even for a Peanut. We did decide to have a new look which you are….well, looking at right now. Do you like it? We Peanuts did try another one but it is going on a brand new blog that the Peanuts decided I needed all by myself. So I won’t be in a crowd of peanuts like the gallery is. Now, I should tell you that I am the only one that talks in this gallery but they have influence.

You just never know when a peanut is going to come up with something that simply must be said here. Know what I mean? They are all very talkative but they won’t tell YOU, just bug me to talk about it on here. One of these days, I will have my own blog and they aren’t going to tell me what to do??? (the Total Peanut turns to the crowd and says as loudly as possible. “DID YOU PEANUTS GET THAT??? I will have my own blog and you don’t get to say ANYTHING!!! There is a large gasp from the crowd of peanuts. Some have started to cry. Others are getting angry at the Total Peanut but all have decided to keep their peanutty mouths shut for now. It is likely that they will get back at TP later when no one is looking.)

So, for now, I am the Total Peanut but am quite stifled in what I can say about peanuts. Harrumph. So long! See ya next time.