More Steven Wright. Yep, he is a nut but still funny or weird, not sure
which. Maybe both.

——————————-

I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I’m home now. But leave
a message and I’ll call when I’m out.

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel
over what I considered to be an odd number.

I got a dog and named him ‘Stay’. Now, I go ‘Come here, Stay!’ After a
while, the dog went insane and wouldn’t move at all.

I lost a button hole.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room
temperature.

I was an only child, eventually.

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the
neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my
yard or I’ll throw it at them.

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I’ve
forgotten this before.

Sponges grow in the ocean . That kills me. I wonder how much deeper the
oceans would be if that didn’t happen.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere
near the place.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any
firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

I planted some bird seed. A bird grew. Now I don’t know what to feed it.

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me
it was none of my business.

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a
kaleidoscope. "We’re surrounded."

I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I
said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship
that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights,
does anything happen?" He said, "I don’t know." I said, "I don’t want
your job."

My school colors were clear. I’m not naked, I’m in the band.

I wrote a song, but I can’t read music so I don’t know what it is. Every
once in a while I’ll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I
might have written that."

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if
they can help me, and I say,’ Have you got anything I’d like?’ Then they
ask me what size I need, and I say, ‘Extra medium.’

I was Caesarian born…can’t tell…except every time I leave a room, I
go out through the window.

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn’t going to be
on the road an hour.

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the
shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren’t
included.

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking
spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I’m leaving.

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a
potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white
cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes".

I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I’m good,
she’ll give me the other one next year.

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone.
They went "Aaaaahhhh…"

You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the
mail, and then you remember it really is? I’m like that all the time.

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

The sky already fell. Now what?

If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think
you’re Shakespeare?

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten
minutes.

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology
experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that’s part of
the experiment?

The sky is falling…no, I’m tipping over backwards.

When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four and a
box of three-by-fives.

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it
back.

I am always on the lookout for the funny things. They are precious and
senseless therefore I am showing them to you! I do not believe we laugh
enough! It’s time for some jocularity (thanks, Father Mulcahy from
Mash!).

================================================

Ways to say someone is…not completely with us. Someone else would say
stupid but I am certainly more polite than that!

The cheese slid off his cracker.

Receiver is off the hook.

His antenna doesn’t pick up all the channels.

Missing a few buttons on his remote control.

and my personal favorite:

He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

———-

Now for some fun quotes:

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the
stupidity of your actions.

Logic is the systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with
confidence.

It’s better to be on the ground wishing you were flying than to be
flying wishing you were on the ground.

Judgement comes from experience, experience comes from poor judgement.

A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20
years make.

again my personal favorite:

All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door.

I could not resist some more church funnies.

====================================

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of
the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.

The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies
will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the
new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will
come forward and do so.

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at
Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch
all the way from Africa.

Due to the Rector’s illness, Wednesday’s healing services will be
discontinued until further notice.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a
conflict.

The sermon this morning: "Jesus walks on the water". The sermon tonight:
"Searching for Jesus".

The associate minister unveiled the church’s new giving campaign slogan
last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge–Up Yours."

8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several
new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks
are due to the minister’s daughter, who labored the whole evening at the
piano, which as usual fell upon her.

Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.

I promised you a laugh a minute. Not sure you will get that but it might
be close. Here are some church funnies.

================================================

The people who followed the Lord were called the twelve decibels.

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand
still and he obeyed him!

——-

The preacher’s 5 year-old daughter noticed that her preacher father
always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his
sermon. One day she asked him why.

"Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his
mesages, "I’m asking the Lord to help me to preach a good sermon."

"Well then, how come He doesn’t do it?" she asked.

——

A father took his 5-year-old son to several baseball games where The
Star-spangled Banner was sung before the start of each game.

Then the father and son attended a church on a Sunday shortly before
Independence Day. The congregation sang The Star-spangled Banner, and
after everyone sat down, the little boy suddenly yelled out, "PLAY
BALL!!!"

——

A little girl became restless as the preacher’s sermon dragged on and
on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we
give him the money now, will he let us go?"

——

A mother was giving instructions to her three children as she sent them
into Sunday school, "And, why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Her son quickly responded, "Because people are sleeping!"

——

Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say, "Sunday is my only
day to sleep in."

——

The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people
who are not afflicted with any church.

——

I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, even though
he diets, yet shall be live.

——

If you choose to heave during the Postlude, please do so quietly.

——

There will not be any Women Worth Watching this week.

—–

The pastor will light his candle from the altar candles. The ushers will
light their candle from the pastor’s candle. The ushers will turn and
light each worshipper in the first pew.

——

Applications are now being accepted for 2 year-old nursery workers.

——

If you are going to be hospitalized for an operation, contact the
pastor. Special prayer also for those who are seriously sick by request.

Hey, there is this guy who doesn’t like his name, apparently. Wants to
change it legally. Okay, I have no problem with that. Some parents are
truly cruel with naming kids. But this guy was an orphan. However,
someone named him and he wants a different one. So, go for it, right? Uh
well, sure. He wants to change his name to Ynot Bubba. Sounds sort of
like Bubba Gump Shrimp? No? All right. It was a stretch, I know. Here’s
the story:

Y
Not

LAS CRUCES, N.M. (AP) - Justin Brady’s friends call him Bubba, so he
figured why not ask a judge to change it legally. He wants to be known
as Ynot Bubba. "It’s just a name," Brady, 43, said in a telephone
interview from Alabama, where he was on the road.

"I want my name to (be) … not just something common," said Brady,
who lives in Las Cruces but spends most of his time trucking the
highways.

Brady said he was given up for adoption as a baby and lived in an
orphanage until he was 14, when he was taken in by a couple who divorced
two years later. Now, he said, his foster father wants nothing to do
with him "and I basically want nothing to do with his name."

His chosen first name, Ynot, comes from communities around the
country named Wynot and Whynot.

His choice of last name comes from people he now considers family who
nicknamed him Bubba eight years ago for no particular reason.

Somewhere along the way, somebody decided to start a rumor that Cookie
Monster, of Sesame Street fame, was going to be replaced by Carrot
Monster. Do you see the kids going nuts over Carrot Monster anytime
soon? Actually, the rumors are false. The problem is that people put
their own bends and tweeks to each thing they hear and reproduce it in a
very different way. But this is an article straight from the urban
legends folks themselves, Snopes.

Monster Bawl

Claim: Sesame Street’s Cookie Monster is being replaced by Veggie
Monster.

Status: False.

Examples:

[Collected via e-mail, 2006]

This actually came up in Physics class — somehow something was said
to prompt another kid to remark that Sesame Street’s popular Cookie
Monster was renamed to the "Veggie Monster" to be more politically
correct and to cut down on obesity in America.

[Collected via e-mail, 2006]

I was told by a roommate that the Cookie Monster on Sesame Street was
going to be changed to the Carrot Monster so children who watch the show
will have a better role model. Is this true?

[Collected via e-mail, 2005]

Another co-worker put up a petition to save Cookie Monster from being
kicked off Sesame Street for being fat. I had heard that they were just
changing his diet to include healthy foods and not just cookies but she
is insisting that they are removing him from the show.

Origins: One of the most endearing and memorable of Sesame Street’s
Muppet characters has experienced a bit of an Cookie Monster epiphany
regarding his eating habits in recent years as the lovable, blue-furred
Cookie Monster has been mastering the fine art of moderation with regard
to his favorite food. Yet he has not given up cookies entirely, nor are
there plans for him to do so — whatever the rumors to the contrary, he
is and always will be the Cookie Monster.

These are great. I had to share:

1) Robert Benchley

It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I
couldn’t give it up, because by that time I was too famous.

2) Oscar Levant

What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of
us left.

3) Paul Merton

I’m always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that
they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can’t
understand is, if they don’t know who you are, how do they know who your
dentist is?

4) Homer Simpson

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is ‘never try’.

5) Jean Kerr

I’m tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That’s
deep enough. What do you want - an adorable pancreas?

6) Steven Wright

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their
feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

7) Partick Moore

At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the
obituaries page and if I’m not there I carry on as usual.

Groucho Marx

I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

9) Ellen DeGeners

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five
miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the
hell she is.

10) Elayne Boosler

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I only lock
every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there
picking the locks, they are always locking three.

I found this great list of top ten Murphy’s law:

1) Murphy’s Law

If something can go wrong, it will.

2) Murphy’s Law

If anything simply cannot go wrong, it will anyway.

3) Murphy’s Law

Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.

4) Murphy’s Law

Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.

5) Murphy’s Law

The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directly
proportional to the cost of the carpet.

6) Murphy’s Law

The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy
somebody else to shoot at.

7) Murphy’s Law

Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.

Murphy’s Law

The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the
fundamental solvency of the firm.

9) Murphy’s Law

Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he’ll believe
you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he’ll have to touch to be
sure.

10) Murphy’s Law

The first myth of management is that it exists.

And now for the totally ridiculous, which I might add, I try to find for
this particular blog whenever possible. Seems a man tried to rob a bank.
Took a note to the teller demanding money. Apparently, he was on the way
to do the same thing again when the police caught up with him. When he
discovered the police were after him, he got the note out and attempted
to chew and swallow. Guess he needed some water with that? The officer
tried to get the note from the alleged robber by putting his fingers
into the guy’s mouth. Not a great idea. Barney got bit.

Uh, one thing about this story that puzzles me. It’s in the second
paragraph. Can you explain it to me cuz I shure don’t git it. Maybe it’s
the Arkie thing. Been here too long and all that? Nah. So, the relevance
of this statement is what again?

Don’t Take The Note From The Bad Guy

MUSKEGON, Mich. - A man who police say tried to eat a bank robbery
note and then bit a police officer is facing felony charges. Leland
Snyder, 24, of Muskegon, is charged in the March 2 robbery of a LaSalle
Bank after police say he passed a teller a note demanding money. He also
is charged with resisting and obstructing police causing injury.

There was no telephone listing for Snyder in Muskegon.

Authorities think Snyder was on his way to rob another business when
Muskegon Heights police caught him Wednesday.

Police said he reached into his waistband, brought out a piece of
paper and tried to eat it. When a police officer attempted to retrieve
the note from Snyder’s mouth, he was bitten on the thumb.

I imagine that the police who responded to this particular crash got
more than they expected. One car had that small zoo. Almost all of the
animals were still caged. However, a particularly large toad had to be
put back into it’s box, according to a spokesperson for the Torrance
police. Then he had something incredibly interesting to say……

"The officer described it as a huge toad," he said.

Okie dokie. That about does it for the police spokesman.

The teacher in the accident was in good condition at the hospital.

Small Zoo, Teacher In Collision

GREENBURGH, N.Y. - Police sent to investigate a traffic accident
found more than they expected — a small zoo.

A kindergarten teacher known as the "Critter Lady" and her menagerie
— including a boa constrictor, turtles, frogs, small mammals and a
monster toad — were shaken up in a two-car collision while en route to a
wildlife lecture in New York City.

Deborah Mumford, who collects and cares for abandoned and stray pets
of various kinds, was listed in good condition at a hospital on Sunday,
a nursing supervisor said.