First, you should know that the peanuts were the first ones to recognize valentine’s day as being a holiday for peanuts. After all, that’s the day that people focus on their loved ones and stop wanting to eat peanuts!!! A holiday!! They eat chocolate, give flowers and gifts. Humans love to give things to each other. But they do not give peanuts!

I have watched from the front of the gallery for years. These individuals will get really mushy. They love to surprise each other. And I have noticed that this day is usually for two of them at a time. Very strange. We peanuts stick together. Our holidays are for everyone. Sometimes that’s when they want me to talk, talk, talk though. There are times when I just want to sit back and enjoy the holiday too.

So, have a happy peanutish Valentine’s Day to all!!!

There were a few leftover Steven Wright jokes from the other posts. Here
are a couple more:

I live on a one-way street that’s also a dead end. I’m not sure how I
got there.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

If you can’t hear me, it’s because I’m in parentheses.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like
I’m the only one moving.

My neighbor has a circular driveway… he can’t get out.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It’s in the apartment
somewhere.

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and
sang Happy Birthday.

It’s a small world but I wouldn’t want to paint it.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don’t have that much
time.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

I just love finding more of these tech support calls that are incredibly
true and often very funny. Here are some more of those gems for your
pleasure:

Customer: "I keep getting inappropriate pop-ups on my computer and don’t
want my wife to think that it’s me."

Advisor: "I will remove them for you."

Customer: "How do I get them back when she is not in?"

———————————————————————-

Advisor: "Press any key to continue."

Customer: "I can’t find the ‘Any’ key."

———————————————————

Customer: "My mouse mat isn’t wired up."

Advisor: "I’m not sure I understand, your mouse mat shouldn’t have any
wires."

Customer: "Well how does it know where my mouse is? Is it wireless?"

————————————————————

Customer: "I met a man on the internet, can you give me his phone
number?"

————————————————————————-

Advisor: "You have spyware on your machine which is causing the problem."

Customer: "Spyware? Can they see me getting dressed through the monitor?"

——————————————————————————–

Customer: "How do I change channel on my monitor?"

Advisor: "Your monitor won’t have channels like a TV."

Customer: "But I was watching the internet channel the other day and now
I just get the word processing channel."

—————————————————————–

Advisor: "Can you click on ‘My Computer’?"

Customer: "I don’t have your computer, just mine."

——————————————————————-

Customer: "My 14 year-old son has put a password on my computer and I
can’t get in."

Advisor: "Has he forgotten it?"

Customer: "No he just won’t tell me it because I’ve grounded him."

———————————————————————

Customer: "My iPod will only play one song."

Advisor: "Which other tracks have you downloaded from iTunes?"

Customer: "Do I need to download tracks?"

—————————————————–

Customer: "My family in Australia use BT Softphone, I can see them but
they can’t see me."

Advisor: "What brand is your webcam?"

Customer: "What’s a webcam?"

———————————————————————-

And that’s the Twilight Zone.

This actually happened about a year ago but I could not help putting it up here anyway. It’s
so ridiculous that you simply have to read about it!!!

In the "How Dumb Can You Get?" column, we find a guy who wants to be a
thief or burglar but he just doesn’t have the right stuff for the job.
He apparently broke into an apartment by using his Ill. State
Corrections ID card. It wasn’t the wisest thing on earth to leave the
card at the scene of the burglary though. Takes the fun right out of the
thing for the police.

He was arrested for the burglary, drug stuff, etc. Seems he just got out
of prison in Illinois in January. Apparently, when someone does not have
regular state ID or driver’s license, they give the Corrections ID.
Guess he liked where he used to live. Got to get back to see the boys,
right?

Leave The ID. Maybe It Confuses Them.

BETTENDORF, Iowa (AP) - A burglary suspect was arrested after he left
behind a Corrections Department identification card he used to jimmy a
lock, authorities said.

Officers said they arrested Robert Alan Fry of Rock Island, Ill.,
after investigating the theft Tuesday of a plastic jug containing about
$400 in change from an apartment in Bettendorf. They said they found
Fry’s Illinois Department of Corrections ID card at the apartment and
arrested him Wednesday at a Bettendorf motel.

These are quotes from names you might just recognise yet…they do say
the darndest things. I call this the DUH! department…..well, you can
see for yourself!

==============================

"Not only is he ambidextrous, but he can throw with either hand." -
Duffy Daugherty , football coach and sports analyst.

"We’ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" -
Lee Iacocca

"If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life." -
Brooke Shields

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we
received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply
if there is a change in your circumstances." - Department of Social
Services, Greenville, South Carolina (Now that’s cold)

"I don’t want to join the kind of a club that accepts people like me as
members." - Groucho Marx

"We apologize for the error in last week’s paper in which we stated that
Mr. Arnold Dogbody was a defective in the police force. We meant, of
course, that Mr. Dogbody is a detective in the police farce." -
Correction Notice in the Ely Standard, a British newspaper

"Traditionally, most of Australia’s imports come from overseas." -
Keppel Enderbery

"What a waste it is to lose one’s mind. Or not to have a mind is being
very wasteful. How true that is." - Dan Quayle

"We’re going to turn this team around 360 degrees." - Jason Kidd

"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night." - Steve Martin

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." - Dan Quayle

"We are sorry to announce that Mr Albert Brown has been quite unwell,
owing to his recent death, and is taking a short holiday to recover." -
Parish Magazine

"Hawaii is a unique state. It is a small state. It is a state that is by
itself. It is a-it is different from the other 49 states. Well, all
states are different, but it’s got a particularly unique situation." -
Dan Quayle

"We are not without accomplishment. We have managed to distribute
poverty equally." - Nguyen Co Thatch, Vietnamese foreign minister

"Fiction writing is great. You can make up almost anything." - Ivana
Trump, upon finishing her first novel

"I’ve read about foreign policy and studied-I know the number of
continents." - George Wallace, 1968 presidential campaign

"The road of good intentions is paved with Hell." - Spencer Ante

"A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on." - Samual
Goldwyn

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as
they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And
the next morning, when they wake up dead, there’ll be a record." - Mark
S. Fowler, FCC Chairman (that makes me feel safer!)

"Antidotes are what you take to prevent dotes." - Anon

and I just cannot resist:

"I have opinions of my own-strong opinions-but I don’t always agree with
them." - George Bush, US President

I found more quotes from celebs. Some are funny. Others are just good
advice…..I think. Uh, maybe not.

—————————————-

Be nice to your children, for they will choose your rest home. -Phyllis
Diller

Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance? -Phyllis Diller

By the time you’re eighty years old you’ve learned everything. You only
have to remember it. -George Burns

Be sure to wear a good cologne, a nice aftershave lotion, and a strong
underarm deodorant. And it might be a good idea to wear some clothes,
too. -George Burns

If you can’t convince them, confuse them. -Harry S Truman

If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten. -George Carlin

If you can’t be kind, at least be vague. -Judith Manners

It is useless to hold a person to anything he says while he’s in love,
drunk, or running for office. -Shirley MacLain

No problem is so large it cannot be run away from. -Charles M. Schultz,
Peanuts comic strip

Only time can heal your broken heart, just as only time can heal his
broken arms and legs. -Miss Piggy

The future will be better tomorrow. -Dan Quayle

Never attribute to malice what can adequately be explained by
stupidity.-Nick Diamos

Never purchase beauty products in a hardware store. -Miss Piggy

And a couple more leftover stupid quotes:

"The internet is a great way to get on the net" -Bob Dole

"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same
reactions in the brain as marijuana… The researchers also discovered
other similarities between the two, but can’t remember what they
are."-Matt Lauer

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates
in the country."-Mayor Marion Barry, Washington DC

The gallery of peanuts looks at me like I know all those things that must be known. I do not know all things. They insist that I post things that they want me to talk about. Like……creamy or chunky peanut butter….who likes all that??? Obviously people do or they would not buy it. It is NOT MY FAULT if people buy peanut butter, is it? I did not make the rules.

Some day soon, I will have my own blog and then they cannot bug me to write things I do not want to explore. HA!!! Some day.

I am going to say absolutely nothing else.

=============================

Tech Support: "OK Bob, let’s press the control and escape keys at the
same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now
type the letter ‘P’ to bring up the Program Manager."

Customer: "I don’t have a ‘P’.

"Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."

Customer: "What do you mean?"

Tech Support: "’P’ on your keyboard, Bob."

Customer: "I’m not going to do that!"

—–

A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The
tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman
responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that’s a good point.
The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is
working fine."

——

Customer in computer shop: "I’d like a mouse mat, please."

Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we’ve got a large variety."

Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"

——

Customer: "My computer crashed!"

Tech Support: "It crashed?"

Customer: "Yeah, it won’t let me play my game."

Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."

Customer: "No, it didn’t crash - it crashed."

Tech Support: "Huh?"

Customer: "I crashed my game. That’s what I said before. I crashed my
spaceship and now it doesn’t work."

Tech Support: "Click on ‘File,’ then ‘New Game.’"

Customer: [pause] "Wow! How’d you learn how to do that?"

——-

Email from a friend: "CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?

——

Tech Support: "All right…now double-click on the File Manager icon."

Customer: "That’s why I hate this Windows - because of the icons - I’m a
Protestant, and I don’t believe in icons."

Tech Support: "Well, that’s just an industry term sir. I don’t believe
it was meant to-"

Customer: "I don’t care about any ‘Industry Terms’. I don’t believe in
icons."

Tech Support: "Well…why don’t you click on the ‘little picture’ of
filing cabinet . . . is ‘little picture’ OK?"

Customer: [click]

Being a Total Peanut is not easy. My relatives are always trying to tell me what to say and do. Do you have relatives like that? Well, probably not like mine. Mine are peanuts who sit in a gallery all day long waiting for something to happen so they can nag me to tell about it. Beyond that, they tell me to watch out so that I do not end up as a peanut butter sandwich but that’s another story. My biggest problem is that they will not allow me to say what I want, not even here. Nag, nag, nag. It’s enough to make me get my own place to talk. Then what will they do? Hummm?

One of these days, I am going to go out on my own and they will regret it because I AM the spokesperson for the bunch. Have you ever in your life seen such a sorry bunch of peanuts in that gallery?? Sigh.

In the meanwhile, I did have something to say. As long as you aren’t wanting things like peanut butter and peanut crunch, we can talk a while. People are nuts! Well, not peanuts of course, actual people. Human beens…beings, whatever they are. They are always wanting more than they have. Unbelievable. Who needs more than a safe place to park a peanut tail bone? Who ever heard of a “tail bone” anyway. Makes no sense to me. Guess I didn’t have much to talk abou after all.

This is The Total Peanut telling you that it is a Peanutish Day today. Okay, that about covers it.

What am I going to crunch on now? I don’t want to talk about sad stuff so nothing about the hurricane. You can find out about that on the news. Want to know what you get when you search for happy stuff? Insurance. Bah! There was a games page that came up. Dunno much about that one. What I’m really looking for is something to laugh about.

Okay, I got it! You cannot go to this, look at it for a few seconds and not laugh! Uh, sure, some sourpuss could but I can’t do it. How about you?

The Insanity Test

Did it make you laugh? Hmmm. All right. I can try again.

The Kitty Cat Song

Can I count on your laughter now? My goodness, you are hard to please, aren’t you. Let’s see. One more but I cannot promise that this one will do it. Not really. It’s only a little ditty.

The Banana Phone

(Just because it runs through my mind all day long doesn’t mean it will run through everyone else’s. *grumble, grumble* It’s obvious that I need some new material.)

This is The Total Peanut saying Have a Peanutish Day!